When dissapointment hits

It had been a hard couple of weeks. That seemingly budding relationship did not work out. I had to deal with a work colleague's long-standing behavioural issue. Deadlines had piled up, and I was battling ill health. I found out a supposed friend had been spreading false rumours about me, which hurt deeply. I looked to talk to a friend, but she was not picking up her calls.

I felt disappointment. Disappointment in the hopes I had, in myself and in people whom I had trusted.

What do you do when hopes you have are dashed? When people you trust let you down? When hatred seems to be thrown at you for no apparent reason? When it seems like it is just one negative thing after another?

I don't know about you, but I shut down. I struggle to get out of bed to face the day, but I somehow do. I struggle to leave the comfort and confines of my house to the outside world, but I somehow make it. I just want to wake up and everything would be put to right. I smile on the outside, but deep down I am drained. I pray, I try to listen to worship music to uplift my spirit, but it all seems so hard. Picking up the phone to call anyone feels like an arduous task.

It was in one of these moments that I got a call from a friend. She told me what she had been up to, the struggles, challenges and ill health (this why she hadn't been in touch the last couple of weeks). I felt bad, I realised that even in my hard time, I could have been a source of encouragement to someone. We would have supported each other, and held each other up (I'm glad she did reach out, because we got there in the end).

In a conversation with a cousin, she told me her daughter had Covid, an aunt had passed away, and her father was possibly diagnosed with a life threatening disease (all happening within a week). She shared how she would take time out, pour out her heart to God, sleep and then gather strength to face the next day. Taking it one day at a time. Even in these moments, she could find something to be thankful for. I admired her strength and told her so.

On a Monday morning, I received an unexpected call from someone I hadn't heard from in a long while, just sharing words of encouragement. He had no idea what I was going through nor did I tell him. But just hearing what he had to say on that call really brightened my day and reminded me to have a more positive outlook.

Another day, I walked to my desk at work to a slice of chocolate cake and words of encouragement from a colleague. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love cake! I was so touched by this.

There have been numerous times when people have reached out to pray with me, and they had not known that it was just what I needed at that particular time. I am so grateful for these kindhearted souls.

These little acts of kindness reminded me that it was not all doom and gloom. They strengthened my spirit. They helped put a spring back in my step. I felt encouraged and stronger to face what lay ahead.

In our hard times, even when it doesn't feel like it. God is still with us. He sends us reminders through those around us. One of my favourite verses gives me a vibrant image of how God works in my various stages of fear or dismay. First he strengthens me. Which is good but feels like a lighter touch when I’m Okish and just need a little prod in the right direction. Then he helps, which feels like coming alongside me, with a hand on my shoulder to support on the journey when I'm struggling. Then he upholds me with his righteousness. To me this means he is fully holding or carrying me (when I do not even have the strength to stand) in all his righteousness and protecting me even though I may not feel it:

“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.

Isaiah 41:10 ESV

I have said it before, that no man is an island. We are all connected, and we all need each other. When one falls, the other can help him get up. Reach out to someone, pray with them. Send a word of encouragement. Remember that concern they shared with you, and check in on them. Do something when that friend comes to mind. You never know how much that would mean to them at that time. Encouraging someone definitely lightens up your own spirit as well. The bible tells us to do this not when only when we feel good, but every day. This means I shouldn't be too reliant on my mood or emotions, but daily seek to see, hear and respond to those around me.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”.

Hebrews 3:13 ESV

When things are hard, do cry out to God. When you cannot find the words, lean on the words of others. Read out a prayer, the Psalms are full of laments that end with still putting one's hope in God. Do not be afraid to reach out to someone else for help, or to ask them to pray with you. This may be a trusted friend, a pastor, or a therapist. By all means lock yourself in, put things on hold to assess where you are at, cry if you need to and see how you can deal with issues from a place of faith, rather than from fear or reliance on emotions. Do this but do not stay here. Look to still head out of the door, taking it one step at a time and a day at a time. Know that God sees; he sees your tears. The victory is already yours, and he fights unseen battles on your behalf. Stand strong knowing this:

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call.

This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise,

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?

I must perform my vows to you, O God; I will render thank offerings to you.

For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life”.

Psalm 56:8-13 ESV

The joy of journaling

One of the best gifts I have ever received and treasure so dearly, is a handmade journal with different types, colours and patterns of pages with each turn of the page. I love the variety, the pages with imprints of rose petals and the delicate lace-like sections. I love that former work colleagues took so much time and effort in painstakingly putting each page together as a leaving gift.

Every now and then, I take time out to a quiet spot, reflect and journal my thoughts, feelings, deepest desires, prayers, and answers to prayers in this book. It is always a joy to look back through the pages (and my scraggly handwriting).

Despite this (and regularly writing reflective pieces on this blog), journaling is not something I joyfully skip to do. I am more likely to postpone, to feel too busy, or to avoid being vulnerable and examining something painful I may be going through. More recently, I am learning that more than just introspection, journaling can be a useful tool in addition to spiritual disciplines (such as scripture reading, praise and prayer) that strengthen one’s faith walk. It can be helpful in our practical walk of daily being transformed by the renewal of our minds:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

If there is one thing I would want to do consistently to grow in my Christian journey, it would be this. Here are a few points to guide us when it comes to spiritual journaling:

1. Write down your reflections from your time scripture reading or prayer that day. That worship song you can’t get out of your head, or that word of encouragement on the radio that just spoke into your situation on your way to work. There is a message in there, note it down so you do not miss what God is saying.

2. Write that one thing that lightened up your day or brought you joy (it doesn’t matter how small it is). It could be kind words from a friend or colleague, a phone call, or even a smile from a stranger. At the end of the day, we are often overly focused on all the things that went wrong and easily forget the things that did go well. You may be surprised when you take the time to review the day from morning through to evening, how your day actually went.

3. Pour out your deepest heartache, your unanswered prayers, the times of grief, lament and asking God “why”. He can take it. Honestly share how you feel with God, ask for help and always end in hope.

4. Desire to connect to God even in your writing, that you would hear from him. Some days it may be a couple of lines, some days it may be pages. The most important thing is the desire to abide in him and grow in being more Christlike.

5. It is an opportunity for careful thinking and inspired action. Achievements are good, but also write down your mistakes, failures, and lessons learned. It helps us to bring these to prayer, grow, and avoid making the same mistakes again.

6. Write at least one thing you are thankful for, this leads to a heart of gratitude and praise.

7. Finally, record the promises of God that you are standing on. These are your future testimonies and praise reports:

And the Lord answered me:

“Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay"

Habakkuk 2:2-3

In today’s modern world, there are many options when it comes to journaling, whether is writing on a computer, phone or good old fashioned notepad. Make sure distractions are minimised, and find what routine works best for you. The most important part is starting, and forming a habit. Spiritual journaling is one way to mingle the motions of our lives with God’s word. We can be more attuned to hear God’s voice even as we seek him in our writing.

In forming this habit, we are able to look back and see ‘how far he has brought us’, capture the joy of the present, and look toward the hope of the future.

A note from 15 year old me

Many a time I come across posts or videos on topics like: "what I wish I'd known 10 years ago", or "what I would tell my younger self". The idea here, is that one has gathered insight, experience and knowledge over the years, and is able to guide or advise others at that age range on what is to come. Today's post isn't that. It is the reverse, delving more into what the younger me had to say.

The other day a friend sent me an old picture of us as teenagers. There was nostalgia, and I reminisced on all that had changed. How I had grown to embrace my personality, and all of life's changes and transitions. I also thought on what still remained the same and true to me over the years. And so I dug up one of my old notebooks (I can officially say this book has survived 2 decades and numerous moves), and found a reflection I had written at the age of 15. I'm not sure I understood the significance of what I wrote, but looking back, this really became a bedrock of how I aimed to live, and continues to be to this day. Whenever I am asked about core values that guide my life, integrity is one of the top three (faith and joy/optimism are the others). Well here is what I had to say about integrity at 15:

Integrity: It is defined as strength or firmness of character. It is the principle of being honest and upright in character. Integrity is one of the things that are dear to God. This is what God said about Job:

Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.” Job 2:3

I ask myself "can God say this about me?" can I be seen as blameless and upright, maintaining integrity even in difficult situations? It is my hope to be seen by God as someone who shuns evil and truly fears God, in both the good and dark times.

Joseph was another character who displayed integrity in the bible. The lesson from his story, is to literally flee from anything that may compromise your integrity, no matter how convenient or alluring it may seem at the time.

But one day, when he went into the house to do his work and none of the men of the house was there in the house, she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me.” But he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out of the house. Genesis 39:11-12

Finally let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no". Do not make a promise and fail. Avoid making vows. There is tragic story in Judges where a warrior made a promise to give up whatever would first come out of his house, should he be victorious in war. Sadly, his only daughter was first to come out of the door on his return home, and he had to stick to the vow he made. The importance of avoiding oaths or vows (because there is a lot that we are not in control off), is also emphasised in the new testament:

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matthew 5:37

I cannot say I have achieved perfection since I wrote this at the age of fifteen. But certainly integrity has been a backdrop to many decisions I have made, and I hope to continue to grow in this regard. Like everyone, I falter and have my bad days. But I hope on the days that I fail, I'm able to dust myself off and start again.

I hope to be continually focused on how God sees me, and where my heart is. I pray for wisdom and strength to flee from situations where my integrity may be compromised. I hope to be stronger in my convictions and more eloquent in expressing them to others. That I would remain true to my word and my yes would be yes, and no be no.