Enduring Friendship

Friendships can be said to be an essential part of living, and was described by C.S. Lewis as the greatest of worldly goods; the chief happiness of life. At the same time, we also know that there are good, helpful and healthy friendships, as there are damaging and toxic friendships. The book of proverbs highlights the importance of choosing friends wisely:

The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin,

But there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother

Psalm 18:24

Over the years, I have come to appreciate that not every friendship may stand the test of time, and it is alright for some friendships to only be for a season. Recently, I came across an article which gave an overview of 'The Nichomacean Ethics' written by Aristotle over two thousand years ago (and still relevant today). In this there are three kinds (levels) of friendships:

Friendship of utility

Here friendships are based on transactions or what each person may benefit from the relationship. At university I had a number of part time jobs from waitressing, to working in care homes. I would regularly chat with friends here about everything during work hours and we would sometimes meet up after work. It made work more manageable, and on occasion you had someone you could count on when you needed to swap a shift. However after leaving these jobs, the friendships dwindled over time.

Friendship of passion

These kind of friendships are based on a common interest, 'passion' or hobby. We may share a common interest for nature, keeping fit or dancing. But we rarely meet outside of these activities, and should I move on to something else or move out of the area, it is likely these friendships would fade.

Friendship of good

This is the best form of friendship, as it is based on the values we respect in each other. Each person wishes the best for the other, and pushes the other to succeed. These are lifelong friendships that transcend geography or time. They are harder to find and take more time and effort to blossom. Of course friendships that started as transactional (utility) or based on a common passion, can grow over time into this kind of friendship. It is a true blessing to have such friends that would challenge you and push you to be a better version of yourself.

We may have had friendships that turned out to be messy, full of disappointment, pain and regret. There may be a need to set boundaries, and love some people from a distance. In spite of this, it is still worth it to put in the time and effort to build enduring friendships. These are the friends that are as close as (if not closer than) family. They are the ones that get us through life's darkest storms, and make the days with blue skies on the mountain top, so worth it.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor

Romans 12:9-10

Lessons from an unexpected leader

Cast your mind to someone you admire as a leader. What traits do they have? They may be a great public speaker, have charisma or a great strategic brain. Leadership is one of the most popular topics covered in psychology, business courses and organisational strategy. There is no end to articles that outline what good leadership is and what it is not, as well as what inspirational leadership looks like (Harvard Business Review is always a good place to start, if you'd like to delve deeper).

Personally, I look up to leaders who have integrity and are courageous. Having what it takes to take a risk, to do the right thing when all the odds are stacked up against you, or to keep going in the right direction even when it is the unpopular choice. I admire leaders who are able to move a crowd to action through powerful (and genuine) words. Most of the time, they are not famous, but people I come across in everyday life.

Looking at the bible, examples of good leaders that may come to mind include Moses, David, Paul, Deborah or Joseph. However today, we look to an unusual place for some lessons which in my view, are very applicable to successful leadership. This is from the story of Abigail. As a recap (1 Samuel 25), this is where David and his men showed great kindness to Nabal's men by protecting them and their flock whilst out in the wilderness. Nabal then responds in a rude and contemptuous manner. Of course this does not go down well with David. He is furious, and prepares his men to attack Nabal and his men. In a situation were tensions were escalating and could have led to dire consequences, Abigail (Nabal's wife) acted quickly and wisely to diffuse the situation, saving her family and people. Here are three leadership lessons from Abigail, in times of crisis:

Be approachable

There was trouble looming, the servants came to Abigail and asked her to do something (1 Samuel 25:14-17). They seemed to know that she was a good listener, and the servants trusted that she would be able to take action. As a leader, it is important that you are able to relate well with people at all levels. Quite often, it is those at the lower end of the hierarchy that have first hand information as to what is really going on. Do not value some people more than others based on their roles or titles. Learn to relate well with all staff. Getting information in real time about what is not going well, allows you to assess the situation and take action before things escalate. This is what Abigail did.

Act wisely

When Abigail found out what her husband Nabal had done, there were so many reactions she could have had. She could have started an argument with her husband over his behaviour and unwise decisions. She could have corrected him in love, or she could have gathered her friends and bemoaned how life as they knew it was about to be over.

Abigail courageously chose in the moment to quickly gather bread, wine, sheep and several other items in large quantities to meet David (1 Samuel 25:18-19). She chose kindness. I'm sure in the moment she had her doubts as to whether this would work. As she later pleaded with David, it could have gone either way. And yet she did not waste time in making her decision and moving forward with it. There are critical times in leadership when a decision needs to be made, and made quickly. In that moment, you may not have all the information to hand, but you need to pick a path. Delay may cause the situation to worsen. Often times you may need to persuade others that this is the path the team needs to follow. Be honest in explaining why a certain decision has been made. When things do not exactly go to plan, lessons can be learned. Do not be held back in fear. Move forward in God's discernment and wisdom.

Choose your words carefully

Abigail approached David in humility. She started by pleading that David disregard Nabal's actions as foolish (as is his name). She highlighted the negative consequences of David's plans, should he go ahead with them. Abigail had an awareness of the bigger picture, and reminded David of all that God had done in his life; how the Lord was with him and fighting for him, and how God had brought him to success despite men's plots against him. She proclaimed God's promises over David coming to pass, and the blessings that would come his way because he did not choose revenge but left it to the Lord (1 Samuel 25:23-33). David was not only convinced to retreat, but was also impressed by Abigail's wisdom and discernment (so much so that he later marries her, but that is another story!).

There is power in words. As a leader your words carry weight and has more impact than you may realize. The way a message is delivered can cause more fear and panic, fuel an already heated situation, or calm things down and galvanize those around you to action. It is important that words are chosen carefully, especially in critical moments as this can literally change hearts of individuals, and shift a dire situation to a more hopeful one.

We do not know whether Abigail had faced similar situations in the past, or whether she was mentally prepared to deal with such a challenge knowing her husband. But she got the information, acted quickly and wisely, and spoke with discernment. In all, no matter what situation you come across, and how difficult it may seem, do not be discouraged. Step forward and know that God is with you, acknowledge him in all your ways and he will direct your path.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

A Prayer

I enjoy walking. Not the purposeful kind, marching on decidedly to get to a destination, nor the hurried kind when one is late and nearly running in order to make it on time. Not the kind where you have headphones in listening to your favourite track, texting furiously or scrolling absent mindedly on your phone as you take the next step.

But the kind where I get to leisurely stroll, observing people, the sound of birds, a dog barking, cars or kids happily playing in the corner without a care in the world. The kind where I get to notice the gently rays of the sun or welcome a soft breeze. The kind where I get to be in the present, paying attention to nature, sights, sounds and what I am feeling as the world rushes by.

Recently on one of such walks at the start of spring whilst in London, I took in the beautiful pink cherry blossoms on the side of the road, daffodils and other flowers that had started to bloom. I took in the beauty of new beginnings and colour that brightened up the path.

In the midst of this, I noticed a tree that looked quite different to the rest. It was dull brown, and had branches but was very bare with no leaves. It caught my attention and I moved closer wondering whether the tree was dead, and then noticed as I got close, that there were clusters of small orange fruit on the tree. The tree was not barren after all, but was bearing fruit despite not having any leaves.

In that moment I smiled to myself and felt a wave of hope. I felt a prayer on my heart:

No matter how bad things may seem, all is not lost

No matter how dead the situation is, God can still breath life and turn things around

Do not give up

Do not lose hope

Know that you were made for a unique purpose

You blossom, but not at the world's pace nor it's standards

Beauty can still flourish from the most dire situation

Strength and purpose can still rise from the most challenging circumstance

Take heart, and continue to find hope in God

He is the master artist

He makes all things beautiful in his time

Take heart and continue to find hope in God.