The Habit of Gratitude

In 2016, I made a choice, a decision to find something to be thankful for each day for 365 days. At the end of each day I would make time to reflect on the day and find at least one thing to be thankful for. Each day, I found something different to the day before. Most days I would have a list of things to be grateful for, not just one. It was not a perfect 365 days. There were some days that I fell asleep before writing, but overall I got into a good rhythm and habit.

During this time, I discovered that on my bad days, even on the worst days, when I felt everything that could go wrong had gone wrong, there were still some things to be thankful for: a kind word, a smile, or a phonecall from a friend to reassure me that everything would be alright. In the my lowest, darkest moments, in tears I asked God why my colleagues, good people seeking to do good and help others, had lost their lives so unjustly. I saw their loved ones in so much pain, and asked God why. I still ask God why. What could I be thankful for in such a moment? Even though I didn't have the answers, I thanked God for being unchanging - just, loving, and merciful. For providing for the families who had been left behind, and for the promise that darkness cannot overcome the light. Sometimes being thankful is and has to be a sacrifice.

Through this practice, I learnt that when I choose to focus on my emotions, I am easily swayed and able to focus on discerning the voice and direction of God. One day, I received a phone call from my brother that dad was unwell. Immediately I was fearful and started thinking the worst. About an hour later, I remembered my earlier reflection. My praise just that morning, of God being the healer (YHWH ROPHE). I shifted gears, and rather than moving out in my fears, I was now walking in praise and thanksgiving. I was able to focus on who God is, and on His power to heal. I was thankful for the prompting of the holy spirit in the morning to stand on the truth.

When I am thankful, my situation may not have changed, but my disposition and perspective has. I am more hopeful, and I feel more at peace. I am reminded that God sees me, and still cares. He has not forgotten about me no matter how I feel. I am able to move out of my emotions and be pragmatic about whatever situation I am in.

Really joy, peace, being thankful and giving over your burdens to God are all intertwined as it says in Philippians 4:4-7;

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

As the months went on, I realized that being thankful was actually a gauge for how well I was doing in my walk of faith. As I compare myself to others and become envious of what I do not have, I lose sight of what I do have and my unique purpose in God. To be thankful is to be in alignment with God's will and purpose for your life, as it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:8;

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Thomas Merton reminds us that gratitude is more than a mental exercise of listing what God has done and thanking him for favours that have been received. Rather it to recognise who God is, and his love in everything which is central to the life of a believer:

"To be grateful is to recognize the love of God in everything He has given us—and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is grace, for it brings with us immense graces from Him. Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted, is never unresponsive, is constantly awakening to new wonder, and to praise of the goodness of God. For the grateful person knows that God is good, not by hearsay but by experience. And that is what makes all the difference… Gratitude is therefore the heart of the Christian life".

So this week, I am reminding myself to be focus more on the character of God, and in doing so, will be more intentional in having a posture of genuine gratitude. What would you do this week to get into the habit of gratitude?

The Art of Listening

A walk by the river, taken by author.

Many years ago, as part of a counselling course, I learnt about listening, and the skills involved in doing this well and effectively. Listening is a critical part of counselling. Being able to have a safe space to talk, and feeling heard supports the healing process. As we undertook a basic exercise in pairs, where one person talked for some minutes and the partner could not say anything, or interject in that time, I quickly learned that listening is hard.

Most of the time in our daily interactions, our minds drift away, distracted either by what is going on around us, what we would be doing next, our next conversation, the TV in the background or really anything at all.

Silence does not necessarily mean we are listening. Often, we are waiting for the other person to finish speaking, so that we can make the great point that that has come to mind. We may have already drawn our conclusions as to what the person is trying to say before they have finished their sentence. We are looking to correct a point that has been made, share what we know, seek to look good and take pride in what we know. I remember and cringe, at my behaviour at an event a few months ago where during a serious debate, I rushed to the microphone, coming in just at the end of the other person, to make my point (somewhat aggressively) which I felt was the right and most logical stance. I hadn’t been listening to the other person's point of view, values or perspective. The whole time they were speaking, I focussed on how to frame my point. There was an interaction, but their point of view was not heard.

On the other hand, I recently had a great conversation with a colleague as we walked along a beautiful river (pictured) and really felt so good after our talk. On reflection, yes it was a beautiful sunny day in a peaceful and picturesque city. But my heart was heavy. I had felt lighter, more joyful and more optimistic after our short walk and chat, because for the first time in a long time I had felt heard.

I’m sure you would be able to attest to the feeling of being heard or interacting with a good listener. Feeling heard, even without any concrete input or advise from the other party, helps in getting to know each other better. It can help clarify a situation, lift burdens and can enable one deal with a problem more effectively. It is a privilege to have time with someone who is truly present and listens attentively and actively. They may even offer a word of prayer over the situation.

There is also something in two parties being able to really hear each other even where there is a difference in opinion, and respecting each other’s stance.

I have learnt over time, that paying attention in conversations helps to understand underlying issues that may not be directly communicated verbally. It also supports good communication and resolution in situations of conflict.

A lot of the time, what stands in the way of good listening is pride, a selfish focus on our needs instead of that of the other. This can be present even in the most seemingly selfless act. For example, I rush to the aid of a friend in crisis after a breakdown of a relationship. Whilst on the surface it may seem like a selfless act, a deeper look may reveal my own desire to feel needed or wanted. I may be helping with the view that this is a reciprocal transaction; that should I also be in need, you should support in the same way that I did. This may in turn affect how I turn up, and how I listen.

So how may we overcome these obstacles to active listening, and improve our relationships with family, members of the church, colleagues and friends?

1. Be slow to speak

In the moment, it is important to guard ourselves against being quick to respond to a situation, but rather take time to reflect on what is being said:

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,

James 1:19

Let us be intentional about how we listen and get rid of distractions. This may mean switching off the TV, moving to a quieter location or picking a better time to talk. It may even mean practically bringing your mind back into the room and the present, should you find yourself wondering.

Take time to hear and also seek to understand where the other person is coming from. This can be practiced through paraphrasing back what the other person has said;

Speaker: "Sometimes I don't know whether I want to go with him or stay at home".

Listener: "It sounds as if you are finding it difficult to make a decision".

This is indicating or clarifying an understanding of the other person's experience, rather than the listener bringing in their own feelings on the situation or claiming a shared experience.

2. Be humble

In responding, let us consider the needs and best interests of the other person, not our own desires:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4

It is important that we reflect on our heart and motivations. As humans, our natural inclination is to seek what may be of benefit to ourselves. But as followers of Christ, we seek to daily grow to be more like Him, who left his heavenly throne and humbled himself to be born in human form, for our sake.

Practically in our interactions this may mean the hard task of putting aside preconceived judgement or prejudice. It may mean directly asking whether the other person wants advice or is just looking to get things off their chest, and respecting their wishes.

It may mean sitting in silence, allowing tears to flow and not quickly rushing to a solution. It may even mean admitting you do not know it all, and seeking help from others or supporting your loved one in prayers.

3. Be loving

Finally, our interactions with our spouses, family, friends or colleagues should be underpinned with love. I cannot be slow to speak or humble in my relationships if I do not have love. Growing in love means that our actions are not coming from a place of pride, irritation or selfishness:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Love sometimes means sacrifice. It may mean being at the end of a phone call in the late hours of the night when you would much rather be sleeping. It may be remembering the small detail of what a friend had mentioned months ago, or sending a card when you observe your colleague is not quite themselves even though they have not said anything yet.

Love is honoring and should be the foundation of all that we do. It is not only in the grand gestures and gifts, but it is especially in acts of being kind, selfless, and patient in those quiet moments, as we observe and listen.

Fear Vs Fear

There is a lot that can be said, and has been said about fear. Fear is as natural to humans as breathing, it is sends us warning signals about real and perceived threats. Sometimes our fears seem real and logical, and at times may seem irrational. Running away from a snake, makes sense because a bite could be lethal. Running from a burning house, is protecting yourself from significant harm or possible death. A phobia of peanut butter getting stuck to the roof of your tongue however may be hard for most to understand.

As we navigate life, we come across many situations that may trigger anxiety as we weigh up consequences of our actions and decisions, and possibilities that are outside of our control. We are conscious of how we present to others. We are fearful of falling flat on our face, or of being called a failure.

I would describe my younger self as an anxious person. Frequently, I was weighed down by persistent thoughts on the "what ifs" of making a wrong choice or other possible scenarios outside of my control. This often led to a state of indecision, and even more anxiety. I remember back in my university days, I somehow managed to follow my good friend to dance classes, and somehow managed to be roped into a full on dance performance in front of the whole University at the end of the year. Now I loved the idea of dancing, but trust me I was not great, and certainly had no desire for performance, and yet somehow here I was. I was worried at rehearsal, worried when not at rehearsal and even worried at night when I tried to sleep. On the day, I was so focussed on all the wrong steps I could make, the possibility of falling over, and the shame of making a fool of myself, that I probably made a number of mistakes I wouldn't have made if I had just focussed on doing my best.

Over time, I have learnt that even if things go disastrously wrong, life still goes on. I have learned to make decisions based on what I know and what I do have control over - doing my best. What I don't have control over, there is not much I can do about it, and so I lay it down, pray and try to stop worrying.

A dangerous kind of fear is one that can lead to insecurities, jealousy and ill feelings or actions towards another person. Because I'm so worried about looking inferior or incapable in my role, I have it out for a colleague who is excelling, in a bid to bring them down. Lisa Bevere, in her book Without Rival, reminds us that as children of God, each one of us is created uniquely for a divine purpose and destiny. This should be acknowledged, celebrated and drive us forward, rather than create division or rivalry.

How many times have we heard stories of people acting out in fear, and the consequences eventually leading to the very thing they were anxious about? A young man driven by the fear of his partner finding someone else, becomes controlling, constantly demanding to know who she is speaking to, and this eventually leads to the end of the relationship.

Do not let fear drive you in the wrong direction, to the destruction of yourself or others.

Key and pivotal moments in our lives can be characterized with fear. We can be stuck in our comfort zone, and be too paralysed to grow and excel where God has called us. Moses, when called to lead the Israelites felt he was not eloquent and could not speak well enough. Yet it was God who had called him to the task and over the years, Moses was able to achieve his purpose.

When faced with a challenge that lies ahead, we tell ourselves that we don't have what it takes. We see ourselves as what we are now, rather than what we could become and often talk ourselves out of it before taking the first step. Should we move forward in faith, there is more that is possible than we can think or imagine.

Do not let fear hold you hostage and prevent you from achieving your purpose.

We all experience fear in different areas of our lives. This is unavoidable. But what makes the difference is what action one takes when faced with this emotion. Would your actions be driven wholly by fear, or would you move forward from a position of strength, courage and faith?

Here are three truths (my favourites) to stand on in moments of doubt and fear:

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Meditate on these, write them down. There will be days when you may forget, or moments when things seem too difficult for these words to be true. Still remind yourself. A change in mindset has an impact on our emotions and in turn our behaviour. The situation may not be different, but a change in our thoughts, feelings and actions will lead to a more positive outcome.

When faced with fear, faith is the antidote to moving forward in the right direction. Faith then grows to courage, which then leads to perseverance. Surround yourself with friends, mentors or professionals who would remind you of this and walk with you on this journey. Know your fears, confront them, and let it push you to take the next right step to success. Do it afraid if need be, but do it anyway.